A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.