Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
mumsnet is amazing
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.