I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize