Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Always…
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
How all things should be taught/explained.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.