Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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😂 amazing answer
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I love twitter
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please