A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!