5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Duolingo getting serious.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?