*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
You Might Also Like
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?