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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Salad is the decaf of food.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Huge, if true.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.