So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Science memes
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
#ProTip