Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Cause of death: Zumba
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him