One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I hope Alan is OK
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun