me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh