WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.