I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out