Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
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Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
For anyone who needs this today
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.