Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
#SuperBowl
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.