The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
what does he know…
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?