If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Liquor Store Parking
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee