Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.