a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.