Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN