(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.