The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Godspeed, John Glenn
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!