I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story