My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
wish me luck lads
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.