Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.