[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
so this horse walks into a bar
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.