(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him