i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My work here is don’t.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.