It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The options really are this bad
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I think about this a lot
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.