The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.