If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!