Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.