My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Pikachu found the lost joint