If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus