As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!