If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
This is my brand.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
is nasa ok
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
This trial is so absurd 😭
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
another case of gang violins
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda