Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.