Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

🐥🐣

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]