I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?