Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.