Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.