[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“That’s what” – She
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.