nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Just how popey was the pope today?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.