Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?