Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Good Morning.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.