[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.