[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide