I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”